ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER SCARE

THE NURSES SAY, JOKINGLY, THAT I´M NOT A VETERAN YET. WHEN I AM A VETERAN, I WON´T FEEL SO NERVOUS ABOUT DIALYSIS.
I SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO COME TO DIALYSIS WITH ME. THEY SEEM TOTALLY COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT´S GOING ON. I SUSPECT THAT SOMEHOW THEY´VE BEEN REDUCED TO UTTER RESIGNATION BY THE CIRCUMSTANCES, AND ACCEPT THE UNPLEASANT PROCEDURE PATIENTLY. REVOLUTIONARY IDEAS REALLY ARE OUT OF PLACE IN A DIALYSIS FACILITY. ALL YOU CAN DO IS TAKE WHAT COMES AND TRY NOT TO GE UPSET. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT YOU WANT TO PRAY THAT THE FORCE GRANT YOU SERENITY, AT LEAST.
WELL, THE NURSES ARE RIGHT. I´M NOT A VETERAN. I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH END STAGE RENAL FAILURE THREE WEEKS AGO. IT ALL HAPPENED VERY SUDDENLY, AND I WAS TOLD THAT I NEEDED TO HAVE A CATHERER IMPLANTED IN MY YUGULAR VEIN RIGHT AWAY, AS AN ACCESS TO MY BLOOD STREAM, BECAUSE I NEEDED DIALYSIS IMMEDIATELY, GIVEN THE RIDICULOUSLY ALARMING RESULTS OF MY MOST RECENT BLOOD TEST. I HAD NEVER BEEN IN SUCH A SITUATION BEFORE. THE IDEA OF LETTING SOMEONE STICK A TUBE INTO MY YUGULAR WAS TRULY NAUSEATING AND FEARFUL. I WAS STANDING IN A VERY AMPLE HOSPITAL ROOM, WITH HUGE WINDOWS LETTING THE SUN LIGHT FLOW IN AND A DISTANT VIEW OF GREEN HILLS AND SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS. I JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, GO TO THE BUS STATION AND BUY A TICKET TO SOMEWHERE IN THOSE MOUNTAINS, AND LIE IN THE SUN, ON THE SNOW, TO DIE. I ASKED THE DOCTOR IF THERE WAS AN ALTERNATIVE. HE SAID NO. I WOULD MOST LIKELY DIE WITIN DAYS OR WEEKS IF I DIDN´T START DIALYSIS. I SAID TO HIM, VERYS POLITELY..." DO YOU MIND IF I GO IN THE BATHROOM AND VOMIT?" HE SMILED KINDLY AND SAID " MY FRIEND, GO AND DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. IT´S A TOUGH CALL FOR YOU. I UNDERSTAND" AND I DID GO IN THE BATHROOM AND GAVE IN TO THE NAUSEA, BUT COULD NOT ACTUALLY VOMIT. INSTEAD, I BROKE OUT IN A COLD SWEAT. WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM, THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSES WHERE STANDING THERE WAITING TO BEGIN THE PROCEDURE. " I DON´T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS" I SAID "I¨VE NEVER BEEN SO TERRIFIED IN MY LIFE. I THINK I MIGHT RATHER DIE"
ONE OF THE NURSES LOOKED AT ME AND SAID THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO FEEL TOO OLD FOR THE TREATMENT CHOOSE TO DIE, AS DO OTHERS WHO CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF DEPENDING ON A MACHINE FOR LIFE, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE SEE DIALYSIS AS A POSITIVE THING WHICH ALLOWS THEM TO STAY AROUND THEIR LOVED ONES FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. ¨ I HEARD YOU HAVE A TWO YEAR OLD SON" SHE SAID.
MY LITTLE SON´S BEAUTIFUL FACE CAME TO MIND LIKE A CALMING WIND, HIS EYES, THE COLOUR OF THE OCEAN AND FILLED WITH WONDER, HIS SMILE...AND I KNEW THAT, NO MATTER WHAT, I HAD TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS. IT WAS JUST LIFE. IT WAS WHAT HAPPENS TO HUMANS. THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL, IF YOU WILL. I WOULD GO THROUGH IT. SUDDENLY I FELT CALMER. I SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "OK. GO AHEAD¨
AS IT TURNED OUT, THE ACTUAL OPERATION WAS QUITE PAINLESS. AS IT USAULLY HAPPENS, THE FEAR WAS MORE DEVASTAITING THAN THE REALITY. THAT VERY DAY I WENT THROUGH DIALYSYS FOR THE FIRST TIME. I CAN´T HONESTLY SAY THAT IT WAS A NICE EXPERIENCE. BUT IT IS NICE TO GET HOME EVERY NIGHT AND SEE MY CHILD AND MY WIFE. ALSO, MY PERCEPTION OF HUMAN EXISTENC INS BEGINNING TO CHANGE BECAUSE OF MY SITUATION, AND I THINK I UNDERSTAN THE FRAGILITY OF THE HUMAN BEING, AND ALSO THEIR DEFECTS, A LOT MORE DEEPLY THAN BEFORE.